Stationary

It must be a common feeling to think that nothing much is going on with your life, even if you’re constantly on the move. That’s how I’ve been feeling lately. In less than two weeks I’ll be moving to London, yet I’ve been going out for lunch and coffee dates with my friends without a care in the world. I’ve also been giving my lack of care some thought, because it’s scaring me a little. 

I’ve narrowed it down to two possibilities that my brain is working with: 

1. I am minimizing it so the impact won’t hit me like a freight train when it happens. 

2. I have managed to sort out all that needs sorting out calmly and patiently, for once. 

Of course, it is entirely possible that it is a healthy (or unhealthy) mix of both. But for now, I am leaning more towards #1. My reasoning behind that is that, firstly, I don’t want to get overly excited and have my hopes up too high. In the case that things don’t live up to my (unrealistic) expectations, I would not only be devastated, but my depression would kick in and really take the devastation crown. Secondly, if I just minimize it, whatever comes my way in London town will be amazing beyond belief and perhaps the depression won’t kick in and I will start off strong. 

Now that all makes it sound as if whatever I’ve got going on in London is all bad, but it’s not. In fact a part of me would argue that it’s better than “good” even, because: 

1. I am in the process of completing the last leg of apartment rental agreement, which means there is a 99% chance I will have a place to stay. 

2. I have friends there. I am not going in blind, despite what I thought earlier this year. Every week I seem to meet someone new. Friend of a friend. A person in the same Masters course as me. A long long relative. And they have all been kind, and helpful and willing to help during my big move. 

3. I have a job in London. Isn’t that great? Isn’t that the dream? It’s not even a job I settled for. It’s a job I really wanted, because I would be good at it and it’s interesting, and it requires me to research and be creative. It’s everything I love. 

4. My parents are supportive. They have their worries and issues, but on the whole, they are happy, and doing more than ever to support me. They worry about my health and my living situation there and my course load. All around great parenting, I’d say. 

And finally,

5. It will be the first day of a life that I will make on my own. It’s a great feeling, to think you have control over your life. I have no idea how it will turn out. I know there will be downs – downs which will bring back the depression and threaten to send me over the edge, but there will also be ups, which perhaps will not measure up to the downs. Regardless, those ups will be enough to give me a nice hard kick to keep going. 

It’s all fantastically sappy. But for now, I think I will accept minimizing it. I’ll accept this stationary position I’ve put myself in, because in the long run, this will (hopefully) pay off better than holding unrealistically high expectations. 

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