“Are you a crazy feminist?”

Short answer: Yes. 

Long answer: Most likely, you’re asking me because you’re a man. I don’t mean to generalize, and as a researcher, it is my most hated method of collected data, mainly as it’s based on… well generalizations. I digress. 

Option 1: Yes, I’m a crazy feminist. 

Option 2: No, I’m not a crazy feminist. 

Why Option 1 is a completely logical answer: 

I’m sick of telling you the arguments as to why I can’t climb the ladder, purely based on the fact that I have a uterus and for whatever reason, it is my responsibility to take care of the alien that slowly, surely and painfully inches its way out of my vagina. In an ideal, I’d do the carrying around, morning sickness, the strangers-touching-your-stomach, and everything that comes along with an average pregnancy, and you (in my heterosexual relationship), my husband, be allowed a decent paternity leave and hang out with this tiny human that had been growing inside me, while I go back to work and not have to worry about smoking or drinking harming my own blood and flesh. That’d be great. But, now we go into strange, unheard dimensions of parenting leave. For some reason, you become the lazy, alcoholic (wtf?) father if you stay home with our (OUR) child, and I become the selfish mother if I go back to work. Who cares what others say? Everybody cares about what others say, stop being a shithead. “Oh, who cares?” Seriously, we all do, let’s not go and argue the most proven point of all research, ever. As my partner, I don’t want you to feel the pain of being the lazy father. As a woman, I don’t want to be the selfish, uncaring mother. How we achieve the perfect balance? I have no idea, but maybe someday, my research will lead me that way. I don’t have all the answers. All I know is that I love my career and the direction I’m headed. 

Why Option 2 is a completely logical answer: 

Am I really crazy for wanting a career? It’s not, in fact, natural for me to rear a child. I should have been correctly socialized into that role, but somehow, I’ve strayed from that entirely, like more and more women (and men) are, and I’m fine with that. Is my perfectly lovable (heterosexual) partner going to be harassed for wanting to be a stay-at-home-dad? In most countries, yes. There’s going to be judgement whether we like it or not. Maybe not from close friends or family, but from others. Who cares what anyone else thinks? Everybody. You. Me. Everybody cares. I love our offspring to bits, but I need to go back to work and advance my career before I’m stuck in this role forever, because I haven’t come into work enough days – I’m sorry that pushing out a child to advance the population took so long. We all wish that the process would be made shorter and I could throw out a baby and get back to work within the same day, but we aren’t at that level of technology yet. (Just wait till we can grow babies in microwave ovens.) I digress. Again. I don’t want to chop your dick off. I don’t want to give all power to women – we saw what happened when men ran the world. In my ideal world, women and men would be equal. We’d earn the same, we’d have similar jobs, we’d share and care our offspring-issues, there’d be decent maternity/paternity leave for each of us. I don’t want men to be portrayed as the shitfaced assholes who care about nothing and have no emotions. I want women to be portrayed as monstrous creatures who, for whatever reason, are constantly PMSing. (Please try bleeding for a week every month for JUST 30 years of your life, then we’ll talk about why we’re angry). I’d like men to be portrayed as equally as women, except for our biology. Ideally, I’d simply like us to not be “tolerant” of anyone who doesn’t fit into our little heterosexual categories, but be genuinely happy that we’ve stopped being shitheads and allowed others to exist in peace. Transgender, bisexual, gay, lesbian, I don’t care. If you’re happy, we’re happy. I don’t want to hear, “ew, she used to have a penis” anymore. So, no I’m not crazy. I’d just like everyone to be so fucking happy that we sing and dance all day. 

 

Instead I sit here. 2AM on a Saturday night, whining about this imperfect world. We did have a lot of great Russian vodka. Magical liquid, clearly made by unicorns. I’m officially starting the hashtag, #vodkaunicorn 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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