Well, in all honesty, it’s a mixture of jetlag and just general irregular patterns of sleep – and let me just say that I’m not exaggerating even slightly when I exclaim “IT’S BAD” in horror. It’s real bad.
This is what happens. I will roll into bed between 11pm and midnight, then around 2am (or if I’m lucky around 3am) I’ll be wide awake. Then around 6am (if I’m lucky), usually 7am, I’ll fall asleep again. This has been happening since I arrived, included the night I got in. I can’t begin to explain the various levels of frustration one goes through with this kind of a sleep pattern.
Anyway, so I’ve been listening to shit music, reading Virginia Woolf – all bad choices in hindsight because the music riles me up and Virginia Woolf makes me want to desperately dismantle the patriarchy and find a more equal way of existing. Casual goals, as obvious. Again, in all honesty, I don’t know if I can have another feminist debate with someone who clearly knows jackshit and is completely disinterested in politics and the ways of the world, but of course, that doesn’t stop them from pretending (or worse, claiming). At the same time, I feel the need to stick with it, fight the food fight, whenever and wherever possible, even if it means conversing with individuals who are stubborn enough to have their minds made up before a discussion can take place.
It’s really weird being back home. I don’t want to indulge in family politics, but I feel compelled, as a part of the family. But things are just so much happier when we do the unhealthy thing and ignore them – for the short term, which is exactly how long I’m here for.
In other news, I am currently in Hong Kong, at 6am, going over a conversation with a really good friend who said I am goal-oriented and quite the “diva.” And we discussed the negative connotations attached to the word “diva” and how, of course, it’s yet another word related to women. I think I’ve decided that I’m not a diva, I just know what I want, and how to achieve it. I know it was meant entirely in good spirits, which is why there’s no rage. I have been trying to think of male equivalent of the word “diva” but the first thing that popped into my own head was “drama queen” which ashamedly, shows the internalization of my social conditioning. But if there’s a will to fight it, that will will succeed, so I am not going to beat myself over it.
Okay, I need to stop and sleep. Or make some coffee, stay awake all day and maybe, just maybe, I’ll crash in the evening.